This my friends, is the incident involving snowshoes. It actually begins over a year. Last winter, P, Betty, and I were hiking up Millcreek Cayon, when I suggested P and I try snowshoes. You have to understand: I don’t like being like being cold, and I have to put a lot of effort into liking being outside and moving at the same time. So for me to suggest snowshoeing is kind of a big deal. At the time however, P was not into it. He thought that the people we saw snowshoeing were silly and that he would rather bike. Fine, whatever, suggestion withdrawn.
Fast forward a year: Every single one of our fucking friends, but one, is snowshoeing. And all they talk about now is snowshoeing. And how we should snowshoe. Frankly, all of this badgering has made me want to snowshoe less and less. Again, whatever, everyone find your bliss howeer you want. So, lately P has been talking about snowshoeing. I was kind of giving him shit for being a freaking “joiner”, and just wanting to snowshoe because everyone else is. blah, blah, blah.
So Saturday morning P and I wake up to quite a bit of freshly laid snow. So much in fact, that the avalanche people said no skiing for P. I was pretty excited that we would have a day hanging out together. That morning, we went to brunch(after much debate) with Chicory, Klove, and Sassa. Came home, putzed around, and P realized he could go pick up this package he wanted. I decided to stay home with the pups, only because we had just let them out of the basement and it seemed rude to put them right back in. On his way home, P calls me and says he’s going for a hike with Ax and Jn. I pause, and say, “oh”. Apparently, pausing was no good because lost his shit on me and spoke rather loudly, “WHAT!” In general, this is unlike P. He usually chooses to suppress his anger and mope, not yell/talk rather loudly.
I respond with a “whoa buddy, what’s all this about,” to which P responds with his own diatribe about how he feels he needs to have a fucking schedule listed weeks in advance for me not to get mad. Obviously, I am not too pleased with this because I feel like I am very open and willing to schedule changes. P and I hang up, still upset, and I begin to take down all of our christmas crap. P comes home, with, of all things, snowshoes. He had not told me he was buying snowshoes. He usually telling me about all of his new gear. I don’t really care what he spends his money on, but snowshoes, snowshoes! He didn’t even know if he liked snowshoeing! Of course, we get into the same argument that we got into on the phone. But with crying(me), and anger(P), and accusations( me and P). It was basically a no-good-not-healthy-communication-mess. P said he wasn’t going to go, and I said he was going for sure now, because I didn’t want to be the cause of all of his not-being-outside-ness. By this time, P had calmed down, but I was nowhere near. Even though he said he wasn’t mad or even upset really, I was still a mess. I felt hurt and sad and empty. Not a good place really.
I’m still crying and taking down the ornaments, when Ax tries to be funny and knock on the window. I however, find this no where near the land of funny. In fact, it makes me scream and run into the back room. P lets Ax in, checks on me, and makes me say hello to Ax. He leaves, promising to be gone “not very long”.
As soon as he leaves, I loose it. I am a crying sack. And that, my friends, is when the great cleaning happens. When I am taht sad, I need to be a martyr and do something. That day, it was cleaning. Every surface in the living room, dining room, and kitchen was touched with 409. And when I ran out, I used vinegar and made my own cleaning fluid. I pulled the huge rug out from the living room, put it on the snow covered front porch, and vacuumed and moped that area. Let me tell you, we never, ever do shit like that. The only reason I have ever moved that rug was when we moved into this house. Yeah, that’s how crazy I was. And yeah, I was sobbing throughout this. Not pretty crying, but red-faced, hiccuping, snorty crying.
Through this however, some revelations came to me. The snowshoes were so much more than snowshoes. Right or wrong the snowshoes represented:
1) A feeling that my opinion doesn’t matter to P as much as other peoples opinions. When I suggested snowshoeing it wasn’t good enough. Suddenly a year later it is? I.E: I am worthless.
2) That the snowshoes was just one more thing that I’m not doing with P that he wishes I was. I.E: I am always letting him down, I am never enough for him, how could he possibly love me when I am so horrible.
So even in my state, I can recognize my own negative self-talk. I can recognize that P loves me very much. So much in fact that he does want to do everything with me. If he’s hiking, he wants to be hiking with me. If he’s skiing, he wants to ski with me. If he’s watching stupid TV, he wants to be watching stupid TV with me. But that’s why I always feel so bad. I don’t like skiing, I’m not a huge fan of hiking when it’s cold, I am very picky about being outside, I need to feel in control about the situation. I don’t know if it’s because of my own self-doubt, or self-esteem, but I need to. And thsi is very hard on P, because he lives for thsi shit. He lives for his weekends on the mountains outside. And I don’t. I live and wake up and do what I gotta do to get through the day for him and Betty and Atticus. I have interests and hobbies and likes, but because they are not what P traditionally thinks of, he has a hard time with it. But I’m deviating from the story.
So, after about 2 hours, P leaves a message that they are on their way home. By this time, I’ve pulled it together, but I still have that horrible raw feeling about myself. Then about 15 minutes later, P calls and said Ax needs to go to REI. I should have known better, any time you go anywhere with Ax, he always need to run a few errands. Whatever, P says that it should only take 20 minutes. About 45 minutes after that, P swears they are on their way home, but are going to stop to get dinner.
So, P comes home with Ax and Jn, which is probably for the best becasue it forced me be sociable. By the time we are alone, I loose it all over again for P, telling him everything I had realized, right or wrong. And he held me and listened. He offered to go buy me snowshoes( I declined, snowshoeing is now completely tainted and it will take me a very long time to get over it, I don’t care what you all say). He wanted to know if I wanted to join a book club with him(which is huge becasue P doesn’t really find joy in literature), or take a cooking class. Earlier in the week, in an effort to support the cause, I signed up for the 5K portion of the SLC marathon that P is running in. But P being P, he wanted to do a 5K with me too.
Because he loves me. Just the way I am.
Right before bed, I realized that I was going to get my period in 3 days, so all of this may have been a little amplified due to PMS. Nice.
